Word

Never apologize for the condition of your house. Trust me, unless it is for sale, our homes look just the same. Word.

Making Ant Hills

The view from my seat is…ants. No, not “ants in the pants” (sheesh). It’s us…American people and how we resemble ants. Busy, busy, busy. Travelling to and fro. Carrying important “stuff”. No time to stop. Hurry, hurry. Must build the house, must decorate, must work, must do more, more, more! And then someone will step on the anthill, or it will rain and flood the hill out, and what do we have? A mess.

I think of the Frank Sinatra oldie “High Hopes” – anybody else remember it? Here’s the ant sample –

Just what makes that little old ant

Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant

Anyone knows an ant, can’t

Move a rubber tree plant

But he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes

He’s got high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your getting’ low

Instead of lettin’ go

Just remember that ant…

Oops there goes another rubber tree plant

My questions: Did the rubber tree plant need to be moved, or did the ant just think that’s what needed to be done? What would have happened if the ant hadn’t moved the rubber tree? What if the ant had made a date for a cup of coffee with another ant instead? Or gone for a walk in the country? Or played hide-and-go-seek with a little ant? Nooooooo…we all take great pride in that lil’ ol’ any moving that rubber tree plant. And Frank encourages us to be like the ant…have high hopes and aspire to do what can’t be done.

How and when will we break out of this?! Are we really better off? I vote NO! Let’s let the rubber tree plants stay where they are and make time for each other! Time for conversation, reading, playing, enjoying life, time for JOY!

So, I am willing to start the revolution, if you’ll join me.

We can call it…hmmm…what’s a good name? How about:

• Let’s Try Enjoying Life (LTEL)? Not snappy enough?
• OK: TINTED (Time Is Not The Enemy Dummy)? Personally, I like that one, but some may think it offensive.
• INA (I’m No Ant)?
• BREAK (Be Real, Enjoy, be Attentive, Connect)? There – I think that’s it. Operation BREAK.

The first part of Operation BREAK is data collection:
Step one: Make a list of the top 5 things that are really, really important to you. Not what you think SHOULD be important to you… no one but you is going to see this.

Step two: Make a list of the top 5 things you would do if you won 55 million dollars in the lottery. Won it TONIGHT. What would you do first tomorrow? If you say “Quit my job” that’s fine, but what will you replace that job with? Does what you would do, if you could, reflect what you say is really, really important to you? If not maybe you need to re-evaluate what you say is important. It’s OK, we’ll wait. (tap, tap, tap, sigh)

Step three: Bank balance and calendar audit. Take a look at your bank statement (online or on paper, doesn’t matter) and your day planner. Does where you expend your money and time match what is really, really important to you?

Yes, it IS cheating if your job didn’t make the top 5 and you justify time over 40 hours per week (or whatever percentage of full time that you work) as “being for the good of one or more of the top 5”.

Step four: Consider this – what in your life is really a NEED? How much time and effort goes into acquiring, maintaining, and (possibly) upgrading WANTS? Just consider – think about it without judgement. This is just data collection.

Step five: Over the next week note your reaction when one of these things happens:

1. The phone rings as you are engaged in something.
2. A co-worker stops by your office (cubicle) to talk with you about a non-work related topic.
3. You run into a friend, or someone you haven’t seen in a long while, as you are shopping, pumping gas, or involved in some other essential activity.
4. Your offspring asks you to do something for them.

Think about this stuff, watch some ants, see if you’ve got rubber tree plants that you are rearranging, and let’s talk more about this view … later.

Breaking News!

Direct from my brother ... Professor at Rutgers and the smartest person I know ... so it MUST be true...

"In case you did not hear, the CDC has identified the source of the swine flu outbreak (or "patient zero" in their parlance). A picture of the patient has been released but name has been withheld to protect privacy. (see photo above)

I don't think their advice to "wash hands thoroughly" will suffice in this case."

"Neither do (wo)men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:15 with slight modification by Kovar

I know that you all have likely seen this many times, and heard all the fuss in the press.

https://mail.wku.edu/Redirect/www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY&feature=related

Well, I was led to think about this from a totally different perspective. What if Susan Boyle had looked in the mirror one day and said, "You are an unattractive cow. Stay home, stay out of the way, and don't embarrass yourself."

How many times do we (and I mean all women) judge ourselves critically. Especially if we choose the parameteres that American society has set for measuring the worth of a woman.

Speaking for myself, it goes something like this: "My chest is too small, my hips are too big, my butt..well lets just say I've seen drive-in movie screens with less breadth. My hair never behaves, my eyes are too close together, I have no clue how to apply make-up, and my nose made Jimmy Durante jealous (God rest his soul). I still get acne. My teeth are showing their age by yellowing, and I don't have enough discipline to use white strips. I laugh like a donkey and don't seem to be smart enough to fit in with these PhD folk. I need to be quiet and behave like a lady."

Bullshit. We need to hold on to our dream. No, not hold on to, we need to chase that puppy. And swing our hips because we believe we are as saucy as any other woman. We are not our eyebrows (and Susan Boyle does have some bodacious eyebrows), we are not our employment status, nor our hair that is (choose one) too thick, too thin, too curly, too straight, or between good lengths.

Talk about being more than the sum of our parts!

We need to be just who God created us to be. For Susan Boyle that is a singer, whose songs I will download with glee. Oh, to teach young women the joy of being REAL!

According to Christine Aguilera:

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way

Memories

Recently, a friend was bemoaning her loss of memory. Recent, as in first noticed soon after she had an affirmative + sign on the home pregnancy test. Recent, as in even more intense since she was asked, “Do twins run in your family?” Many women believe that they become more forgetful during pregnancy: a new study by Australian researchers suggests that they are right - and that their memory can be significantly impaired for at least a year after giving birth.

Until recently, much of the evidence for pregnancy-related memory deficits was either anecdotal or based on subjective reports. The new study, published recently in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology, is the first to assemble and analyze data from a wide range of scientific studies into the phenomenon.

The results indicate that the impairment - dubbed "baby brain" - is still evident a year after childbirth. Since none of the studies has extended beyond that time, scientists claim not to know how long the deficit continues.

Nor do scientists understand why a woman's memory should be impaired at such an important time, although several theories have been put forward.

Luckily, readers of this blog are about to be on the front row of a scientific breakthrough: Baby brain is the fault of Albert Einstein.

It all has to do with the Law of the Conservation of Matter. Those with a scientific interest are well aware of this fundamental principle of physics: that matter cannot be created or destroyed in an isolated system (with apologies to Dr. Einstein for my abbreviated definition).

Is there any better example of an isolated system than a gestating woman?

It boils down to this. As the baby, or in this case babies, grow in the mother’s uterus we have a veritable explosion of new cells. We’re talking placenta, lots of amniotic fluid, extra breast tissue, some additional fat stores, and last-but-not-least the piece-de-resistance – BABY. If we follow the laws of physics, and really what other choice do we have, there must be a counterbalancing diminution of cells within the isolated system. Enter into the equation the mother’s brain. Yes, it is official, mothers lose brain cells with every pregnancy. And the really bad news? They don’t come back (brain cells that is).

This is why after a first pregnancy, new mothers note that they have more difficulty assembling all the items needed to leave the house; car keys are misplaced; and there is no recollection of a good night’s sleep. The second pregnancy results in more irretrievable brain cell loss. For instance, mothers feel an increasing need to write things down so that task won’t be forgotten (eg. “Wash face, brush teeth.” “Eat”) It is no coincidence that more post-it notes are sold to households with two or more children than to all the Fortune 500 companies combined. The problem is as with all home/office supplies, mothers can never find them once purchased. Somewhere in most family homes lies an enormous pile of post-it notes, tape, pencils, pens, and notepads. Meanwhile, we take phone messages by using a frozen chocolate chip to write on the side of the refrigerator.

By the third pregnancy the issue is noticeable even to strangers. When asked the expected date of arrival for the new baby, mothers awaiting the birth of number three have been known to say “2009.” Mothers cannot recall their own child’s name, resulting in the “litany of the sinners” frequently heard in homes everywhere, “Tommy, Michael, Jason, Fred, Chad, Alex…you know who you are! GET DOWN FROM THERE!” (Child’s name is actually “Joe, Jr.”) When leaving for vacation Moms no longer ask, “Did I unplug the coffee pot?” That’s a post first pregnancy level question. No, after #3 we hear, “It’s YOUR turn to count. They are all back there aren’t they?” I’m sure that third pregnancy syndrome was the cause of my niece Jessica being left at the picnic area after a long ago family gathering. Don’t panic, she was twelve at the time, but still…

For my friend, the news is nearly tragic. From a competent educator, recently enrolled in a prestigious PhD program, she will soon be reduced to attempting to deposit grocery coupons at the bank drive through and wandering mall parking structures hoping to locate her car by pushing the remote and hoping to hear a friendly chirp of the horn. With twins, she jumps directly into Level 2 brain cell loss.

To her husband, good-old “What’s His Name,” be proactive! Stock up on Post-It notes. Investigate whether infants can be microchiped at the vet’s office. And start wearing a name tag – who you are will soon be the least of her worries.

Animal House

I came home the other day to find Emily’s cat, Sugar, on the family room porch, balanced on the back of the beautiful porch swing, staring into the window of the family room, looking for someone to let her in. My question is: How do animals learn the concept of a window? Sugar is not the first family pet to demonstrate this understanding.

Matt’s first cat, Claire, had this concept down pat as well. When we lived in the Virgin Islands we had a very interesting experience with a stray dog, who became the family pet, Sammy. To make a long story short…Sammy wandered into our yard, bone thin and thirsty. We made the mistake of taking pity on the poor guy and fed him. Well, on Day 3 he had apparently received enough nutrition and hydration to realize, “Why that’s a CAT!” And even worse, “I LOVE to chase cats!” The next sound we heard was a loud bark, followed by an even louder cat yowl. A streak of calico cat flew by the dining room window followed by a blur of white and brown “coconut retriever”. On the heels of this sight was the sound of a panicked Matt, “Oh no! Claire’s scared of Sammy!” (He always was a master of understatement)

A three hour search ensued, but to no avail. Claire had disappeared into the thick green untamed island foliage surrounding the house. Matt was heartbroken, Sammy was in time out, and Steve and I were thoroughly embarrassed. We’d sequestered our dinner guest (our pastor) in the hurricane shelter with Sammy while we’d searched. We knew Claire would never come home if he was out and about (the dog that is, not the priest).

Fast forward to the middle of the night. Our bedroom windows are open to let the soft, cool tradewind flow in. The soothing melody of the tree frogs is suddenly broken by two syllables: “Me-ow”. I push up on one arm, look out the window, and there…balanced on the 1” width of the wrought iron handrail… is Claire. Despite the low light of only a quarter-moon, she has found our bedroom window and is summoning us to open the door.

How did she know how to do that? To understand where we were and to understand that the window was a means of communicating with us?

Golden Retriever, Lucy, spends her days sitting at one of the dining room windows watching the street in front of the house. She’s like Gladys from “Bewitched”, there isn’t a single neighborhood action that she isn’t aware of. Unlike Gladys, she doesn’t share the info with anyone (that we know of). She clearly understands that this is life, rather than a TV show, as she heads toward the door when she spies her favorite human, Steve, approach the house.

Hmmm. Since the pets use the windows, do you think they’ll help clean them?

Why wait for April 1st?

Get a head start...a 101 ways to be a fool:

1. Keep thinking that you can get a different result doing the same old thing.
2. Wait until someone invites you to join in on a planned activity (eg. lunch, seeing a movie, learning a hobby).
3. Expect your loved ones to read your mind. After all, they should know what you need, want, prefer, and dream about!
4. Lie to yourself.
5. Never, ever, try something new.
6. Envy. Anyone, anything, any circumstance.
7. Believe gossip.
8. Love anyone more than you love yourself.
9. Believe that loving yourself = always putting yourself first.
10. Expect someone else to make you complete or happy.
11. Wait to be thinner, more educated, better looking, older, married, divorced, a parent, in a new job, retired, wealthy, or in a new town so that you can relax and enjoy life.
12. Ignore a sincere compliment.
13. Act your age.
14. Dress younger than your age.
15. Ignore an opportunity to “Pay it forward”.
16. Say “I can’t do that” without ever trying to see if you can.
17. Go for a whole hour without smiling.
18. Think that you are better than another person.
19. Park in a handicapped spot if you are able bodied.
20. Think small.
21. Ever say to a small child “Be good, or else I’ll have that nurse give you a shot!"
22. Never do a kind gesture anonymously.
23. Keep count (eg. “I gave him a $5 gift and he only gave me a crummy $1 gift. He owes me. – or – I traded shifts with you when you needed help, now you owe me a trade whenever I need it.)
24. Don’t drink water.
25. Avoid asking for help when you need it.
26. Have gone for more than 5-years without seeing a children’s movie.
27. Discontinue an antibiotic before you’ve finished it because you “feel better."
28. Try to use current lingo without knowing what a word or phrase really means.
29. Use “stupid” or “loser” to describe yourself.
30. Go a whole summer without eating outside.
31. Fail to see sunrise at least once a year (mindfully SEE).
32. Take yourself too seriously.
33. Know that you are NEVER wrong.
34. Assume the worst about someone because of skin color, dress, or spiritual belief.
35. Make excuses.
36. Think that Reality TV is reality.
37. Think that all young people are spoiled, irresponsible, and/or greedy.
38. Believe you are irreplaceable to your workplace, so you can coast.
39. Steal from your workplace (Yes. I do mean paperclips, pens, paper, and time).
40. Miss a chance to say “I love you."
41. Wait for someone to say “I’m sorry” before you begin to forgive.
42. Keep the “good stuff” on a high shelf and never use it.
43. Tip small.
44. Believe that anyone who is uninsured is lazy and deserves to lack access to health care.
45. Talk rudely to a server, barista, or cashier.
46. Have to be right, in every instance, no matter how small the issue.
47. Never take a nap.
48. Not know the capital of the state you live in.
49. Fail to see sunset at least once a year (mindfully SEE).
50. Throw away an item that someone else could use.
51. Yell at the cashier about the price of an item.
52. Believe that advertising is for your education and to help you.
53. After seeking an exam and advice from a health provider, get a second opinion from a neighbor, stranger, co-worker, or family member.
54. Know the name of the “bachelor” or “bachelorette” but not the name of the Vice-president.
55. Think that all elderly are feeble, out-of-touch with the reality of today’s world, and/or incompetent.
56. Eat at chain restaurants when you travel.
57. Believe money buys happiness.
58. Stockpile back issues of “Real Simple” magazine.
59. As you eat something, talk about how you “shouldn’t be eating it".
60. Count fat grams at the dinner table.
61. Never, ever, do something just for the fun of it.
62. Break a promise to a child.
63. Pick your nose in the car.
64. Watch “Dancing with the Stars” but never dance yourself.
65. Avoid a friend because you are hurt or angry at something they did.
66. Always wait for the video to come out.
67. Think it’s a bother to romance your spouse.
68. Forget your mother’s birthday.
69. Decide to stop taking your blood pressure medicine.
70. Have a custom kitchen yet eat out all the time.
71. Kick a dog.
72. Use a racial slur.
73. Wear pajama bottoms in public, unless you are a toddler.
74. Tell someone that they are going to hell because of the church or religion to which they belong.
75. Say “I don’t remember” or “I can’t recall” when you really do.
76. Believe that the end really does justify the means.
77. Tolerate cruelty or torture.
78. Argue with a teacher about one point on a project when you already have an “A".
79. Adjust a private body part in public.
80. Wear droopy pants if you are over the age of 2 years.
81. Talk about a group of people as "them" or "those people."
82. Apologize to a friend for the messiness of your home.
83. Say no to a dinner invitation because you are dieting.
84. Spend less time with family so that you can buy more stuff or take a better vacation.
85. Have a room in the house that no one can comfortably sit in.
86. Unless absolutely unavoidable, wear shoes that hurt your feet.
87. Think that the woman your son loves isn’t good enough for him. Tell him that.
88. Defend or excuse bad behavior (especially your own or your offspring's).
89. Complain about the wait to be seen in the ER when you are on Day 1 of cold symptoms and have not tried any acetaminophen, ibuprofen, tea with lemon and honey, chicken soup, or simple rest.
90. Quote People Magazine in a conversation about world events.
91. Order anything on QVC or the Home Shopping Network if you can’t pay your credit card bill each month…in full.
92. Ask a question for which you could find the answer with a little effort.
93. Do something just because you should.
94. Diss your mother-in-law.
95. Drive in a way to make sure that car with the turn blinker can’t merge into your lane.
96. Never have been inside your local library, and never intend to.
97. Laugh at someone else’s expense.
98. Get drunk.
99. Two words: comb over.
100. When you are invited to spend time with people you love say “no”, so that you can stay home to clean or mow.
101. Really believe that it IS all about you.