Bicycle Hero

Did I mention that I am married to Lance Armstrong? OK, not THE Lance Armstrong. And, in fact, his name isn’t Lance or Armstrong. But, he is my bicycling hero.

Are you sitting down? Please do, for safety’s sake. The shock of what I am about to say could cause you to collapse in surprise. Okay, maybe not, but it is always good to sit while you are using a computer. Here goes…. two weeks ago HH rode home from Steubenville OH (460 miles)… unsupported… in 4 riding days. Whew, I get tired just typing that mileage. What a guy.

The story: DD (Emily) had to be back at Franciscan University on Aug. 9 for RA training. We were in Nebraska during the week prior to Aug 9 (see previous blog “Ft. Bob”). So, we flew her back to Pittsburgh from Omaha. Steubenville and Franciscan University are about 30 miles from the Pittsburgh airport. Enter the wacky plan proposed by HH: When we get back to KY, he will pack Emily’s car with all the essentials needed to live in a dorm, drive to Steubenville, help Em set up her room, and then ride his bike home. “What do you think?” he asked.

What do I think? I think I need to see if your life insurance is caught up. I think that this may be about the bravest thing I’ve ever heard of. And, dear husband, do you realize that we are talking about a bike ride back from O-H-I-O? That’s what I think.

Here’s what I said: “Great idea.” I am nothing if not the Queen of the Kingdom of Supportive Spouses. And so, on Monday, Aug. 11 I waved farewell as a seriously overloaded Honda Civic pulled out of the driveway with HH’s beloved “Streak” riding on a rack strapped to the rear of the car.

Too bad HH didn’t keep a journal of his adventure. Much like Lewis and Clark, it would give insight into travels through uncharted territory (or at least through territory where few folk drive since the advent of the interstate system). Since he didn’t journal, I will be forced to take literary liberties with the story.

Steve’s Journal (if he’d kept one):
Epic Journey Day 0: Today, I become the only man to ever sleep in St. Clare dormitory at Franciscan University. It is strangely uneventful. I guess I really am middle-aged. Tomorrow I leave on the journey that no one has ever taken before. I am risking flat tires, sunburn, and flying insects galore to return to home and hearth. I sure hope that I can milk this for some sympathy and favors when I get home. Must remember to tell Mary about the events of my daily ride with a slight quiver of fatigue in my voice and always end with “But, it’s OK. I can make it. It’s worth it to take care of our daughter.” Oh yeah, this will be good.

Epic Journey Day 1: I came, I saw, I rode. And rode. And rode. Did I mention that I rode today? Found myself in Zanesville OH today with sunlight to spare. So, I called home and left a message saying “It’s only 35 more miles to Lancaster, I think I’ll head there.” Boy, that ought to get Mary’s goat…she’ll think that her 10 mile rides are really whimpy. I am so diabolical.

Here’s what I notice about Ohio roads: #1 they have nice wide shoulders, #2 the shoulders are pretty clean, #3 I haven’t had a driver honk, show me a one-finger wave, or otherwise give me grief all day long, and #4 this hilly crap is getting old, give me some flat land! Hey! Is that a Hampton Inn I see in the distance?

Epic Journey Day 2: I feel refreshed as I start riding today. A hot shower, delicious dinner at Olive Garden, good night's sleep, and free breakfast make for a happy bicyclist. The only thing that can make today better is some flat roads.

Epic Journey Day 3: Arrived in Cincinnati last evening and caught up with my brother Mark. Comfy bed and family to hang with, does it get any better? I’m going to stay here another night. I am doing laundry, planning to canoe, and go to the movies to see “Mummy”. Great! Note to self: be sure to not let Mary know I am having fun. Maybe I should whimper a bit and complain about aching muscles? Yeah, that ought to do it. Is a heartfelt, “I miss you” over the top, or just the right touch? Hmmmm. It is so hard being a husband; I have to be on my toes at all times.

Epic Journey Day 4: The first 30 miles were on a section of “Rails to Trails”. Awesome. If only the entire route to Bowling Green were as nice. Today I started the confusing part of the ride, where I have to change highway numbers over and over again to weave my way safely towards home. I surely could tell when I entered Kentucky. The nice shoulders disappeared. Instead narrow, pock-marked, gravel strewn pseudo-shoulders appeared. And within 15 minutes of being back in Kentucky I had my first harassment by a driver. A motorcycle driver. He clearly saw that Streak and I were a real threat to his manhood, poor sap.

Tonight I am in Owenton KY. My hostess is a combination motel owner/operator, waitress, and school bus driver. Must remember to mention that to Mary the next time she complains about how busy she is. Getting a room in Owenton was an adventure. It required a phone call to and from my favorite daughter-in-law, some prayer, and the luck of a guest leaving unexpectedly. Who’d have ever guessed that there would be a rush on rooms in Owenton KY?? But, I’m safe, and clean, and full from a tasty meal at a mom-and-pop cafe, served by (who else?) the owner/operator/driver/waitress. Best of all, I have a stash of food for morning. Chocolate donuts, breakfast of champion bicyclists. Life is good.

Epic Journey Day 5: Today will be my last day of riding. If I’m not at home, I will be too darn close to spend another night in a motel. I’m going to travel some familiar roads today, past Hodgenville, Bardstown, Mumfordville, Horse Cave and Cave City. It’s been fun being an oddity. I’ve met some interesting people who wondered what I was up to “in those tight sissy shorts”.

Epic Journey Epilogue: So, I guess it’s time to reflect upon this journey. I traveled 460 miles in 4 days of riding for an average of 115 miles per day. I despise one pair of my cycling shorts and I swear to never wear them again – of course that is presuming that I don’t die of an infection from chafing all the skin off my thighs on this ride. Cycling is hungry work. M&M’s are good energy food. Gatorade is not a luxury.

The End. (cue music and applause)

For all Hollywood big shots reading this entry, I will be available to work on the screen play. I think Meryl Streep should portray me. It’s eerie how much we resemble each other. Strong, brave, and beautiful wife taking care of the family homestead as her spouse goes off to face new and potentially dangerous challenges. The wind blows through my disheveled long blond hair as I wave a tearful farewell, not knowing if we will ever see each other again. Steve Carrell should play HH. And Streak must appear as himself