Ho. Ho. Ho. Green Santa?

As frequently happens, it was about mile four on my unseasonably wonderful late-December bike ride yesterday that I had an epiphany. Have you ever noticed that the Jolly Green Giant and Santa Claus use the same favorite phrase: “Ho, ho, ho.”? That elves and leprechauns are both of extremely short stature? Leprechauns wear green, the Green Giant wears green…need I say more? Add to the mix that Santa watches out for the “good boys and girls” and that mothers for nearly all eternity have counseled that “good boys and girls eat their veggies.” I think I may be on to something here.

Yes, Santa and the Green Giant must be siblings, at the very least, and quite possibly twins separated at birth. Don’t let the height difference fool you. Remember Danny DeVito and the Arnold Swartzenegger in the movie “Twins”? One key word…fraternal. As in not identical.

The effects of environment must not be dismissed. Clearly the boys were raised in an environment in which generosity was a family value. Mom very well may have been the Tooth Fairy. And Dad? Well, my best bet is that he was a tailor. Those outfits are pretty detailed and wouldn’t come cheap without a family connection. The boys were raised to be leaders, each assembling a pack of short followers. Santa is the brawn of the family business, working diligently with his band of elves to build the millions, gazillions, of gifts delivered on Christmas Eve. The Green Giant, meanwhile, is the brains of the operation. He and his band of little green men keep the list of naughty and nice. A list based upon vegetable consumption.

Think about it. Do you know anyone truly evil who is a vegetable-lover? … I’m waiting … just shout out those names … see … couldn’t think of anyone, have you?

• Charles Manson. Not known for vegetable consumption. Wacky tobaccy is not a vegetable.


• Adolph Hitler. Only known vegetable consumed = kraut.


• Saddam Hussein. You don’t get that waistline with cauliflower. Lots of lamb, little cruciferous vegetables.


• And I don’t want to point fingers, but isn’t there a certain republican president who made a disdain for broccoli famous??? He’s not truly evil, but a word of warning “TURN BACK! Embrace your veggies! It’s not too late!”

Now that I’ve let the cat out of the bag, Green Santa-wise, there is no excuse for being on the naughty list. Find a veggie you like and eat the recommended number of servings. Tell your kids, too. What do you have to lose? 2009 meal time battles will be solved by a wise nod of the head toward the window and the words “Jolly Green Santa”. Enjoy.